Sunday, January 18, 2009

posted by: Dan, Strip Clubber and DAMNED PROUD OF IT

As far back as I can remember, I've always had a fondness for strip clubs. There's something so honest and straight forward about the whole ritual. It was a long time before I ever went to a bar that didn't have naked women in it.

This week's comic makes use of knocked-out silhouettes in the tradition of Frank Miller's Sin City books. Always a great looking effect, and I figured it was the best way to capture the interior of a strip club. Can anyone tell if this is a topless or full-nude bar? (You'll find a clue in the rules below.)

Not to be too wordy here, but I figure now's as good a time as any to present the complete list of strip clubbing rules. This was a little something I came up with back in 2006, when visits to the titty bar seemed to happen every week:

The Rules of Strip Clubbing:

1. Never get emotionally involved. Everything is artificial, and affection is thrown around to empty your wallet.
2. Go as late as possible and as drunk as possible. Three hours prior to closing works just fine.
3. Balance your need to get an eyeful with your need for physical contact. Full nude clubs cater to the former, topless bars to the latter.
4. Always get a lap dance. The night isn't complete without one. Scope out your target before hand, and chat her uppy while she gives you a stage dance.
5. Take a pocket full of one dollar bills, and some twenties for lap dances. Keep the twenties in a separate pocket from the ones.
6. Always take advantage of the generosity of drunken friends.
7. For stage dances at topless bars, slip a horizontally folded one-dollar bill into the thong; making sure your hand makes physical contact. At full nude clubs, place the folded dollar on the stage, and the dancer will take care of the rest.
8. Never wear a hat or excessive hair products. The strippers love to play with your hair, and the hat will be stolen and rubbed in their snatch.
9. All stripper names are fake. Complimenting their names will only make you feel like a jerk.
10. The only way to avoid nasty strippers, and charity dollars, is to leave your seat.
11. Flirt 'em uppy. The girls won't get offended (unless you're Jake).
12. Never wear white clothes. Black lights.
13. Drink a steady supply of beer with random shots thrown in for good effect.
14. Compliment strippers both directly and indirectly. Whisper loudly to your friend about a stripper on stage for the indirect approach.
15. Never sit at the corner of the stage.
16. Never watch the big screen TV, play pool, or eat food at a strip club.
17. Never go to the champagne room. A lap dance is almost as good, and a hell of a lot cheaper.
18. Never go alone. Friends keep you grounded in the reality that nothing is real.
19. Wash whatever you wore to a strip club the day after. God only knows what juices got left on your pants.
20. Humor the ugly strippers, but don't be generous. They might think you actually want them. See Rule #10.
21. Never get two lap dances in a row. You should only be investing in two lap dances maximum, and you don't want to waste it on a single female.
22. Always keep your tongue in your mouth.
23. If ever you get a snatch in your face, sniff it.
24. Never get serious about anything.
25. Always hit up the club on a Friday, and at night. Saturdays are too busy, and any other day, or time of day, is the opposite. The surest way to lose all your paper is to visit an empty strip club.
26. Leave your jacket in the car. Take only what you need to survive.
27. Never expect to get anything more than a little rub and tug, hopefully from one of the strippers.

That's that, fuckers.

The Rules of Strip Clubbing are ™ and © 2006 Daniel Beadle. All rights reserved.

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